It probably started shortly after I had Wyatt. Of course, I didn't want to admit to it. I felt that if I did, I'd just be weak. I tried to get out of the slump, well... at first I thought it was just a slump. But I couldn't. After a few months, I felt lost and alone. It didn't seem normal... I didn't feel normal.. But I knew I was depressed, but I didn't want to admit to it. It felt like no matter what I tried, I just couldn't pull myself together. I tried walking, taking the dog out... Didn't work. As soon as I got home, I just wanted to stay in bed. I didn't even really tell my close friend Mayra. And I knew she would understand my situation, but I just didn't want to see anyone, do anything. I knew that if I at least talked about it, I'd feel a little bit better. But, I kept it to myself and I hid it well.
Greg was the only one who saw it, but didn't really mention it because he knew I wouldn't believe him. He just tried to help by trying to get me up in the AM, trying to get me on a schedule and asking me to see friends and family. Don't get me wrong, I still took care of Wyatt as best as a mom could. I fed him, changed him, played with him, read to him, etc. I just wasn't happy and all I wanted to do was lay in bed and do absolutely NOTHING. All I wanted to do was sleep and nothing else. But I knew I had a little one to take care of. I had days where I wanted to cry, but I didn't know what I was so sad about. I was really snappy too. I took it out on Mr. T and Greg. I barely saw Mayra while on maternity leave. She would ask to hang out, and I'd make up some believable excuse to not hang out.
Wyatt's first plane ride
Wyatt and I flew to So Cal begining of February so that Wyatt can meet his family. I thought that I would for sure be able to get out of this depression slump I was in. I knew family were going to help me in taking care of Wyatt so that I can take care of myself. But I was still depressed. Family didn't know about it because, once again, I hid it well. I was there for almost 2 weeks! We even went to Arizona for a few days for my Uncle's 85th birthday. I didn't even see friends of mine (except for my good buddy, Jeremy). I wanted to see them, but at the same time I didn't. I made one attempt. I messaged them, but never made any finalization to hang out. I kept telling myself to do so, but I just didn't want to.
Just a very small portion of my family. Taken in Arizona (Birthday boy on the very right)
When we got back from So Cal, I felt worse. I stayed in bed as late as I could, I mastered the side nursing position, so if Wyatt would cry, I would litterally make myself into a human pacifier for him. Of course, if he didn't want to be asleep anymore, we'd get up and I would interact with him until his nap time. And I'd try to get him to sleep as long as I could. I knew I had to go see my doc. So, I did. I told her everything that was going on with me. I let it all out and I just started crying. I felt a little better, but not by much. She had me off of work for another month so that I can go to the postpartum depression meetings and work, work work, on myself. I told my mom my doc recomended me to be off work for another month because I "lied" about my depression, when honestly, I lied to my mom about being depressed. So she told me that I should fly to So Cal again with Wyatt. It took me a week to give her a straight answer. I kept changing the subject, or making some excuse to "figure things out". But honestly, I really didn't want to go AT ALL. I just wanted to stay home so i can stay in bed. But Greg was trying to convince me to go. He knew it would be good for me. So once again, I was there for a week. I didn't tell anyone I was in So Cal, except for my buddy Jeremy (he's one of my best buds). I did have fun and was doing a bit better than the last visit. Then a week later, I was back at work.
I'm taking anti-depressents to help me. It helps quite a bit... I think. Just within that month, I did get a little bit better, hence why I decided to go back to work when my doc asked if I was ready. The depression now is not as bad as it was. I don't know if it's the medication or work. Or combination of both. But I'm not going to stop taking the meds until my doc says so. I've met people who dropped their anti depressants because they thought they were better and didn't need it and fell right back where they started, or worse.
A few weeks ago, I started changing up my personal schedule. I started showering at night instead of the morning. Wyatt goes to bed at 7pm. Then Greg and I have dinner together and then I shower, towel dry my hair and put it in foam curls. Then in the AM, after feeding Wyatt, I have about almost 2 hours to myself to get ready for work. The evening shower is an every day thing, makes my mornings less hectic. The curling though, a few times a week.
Me after almost 6 months after Wyatt was born
I don't know what caused my depression. It could have been a mixture of things. Lack of sleep, total change of life plans, being a new mom. My original plan before unplanned pregnancy was to drop weight, get fit and strong and become a Marine. I worked my butt off. I got healthier, dropped body fat, got stronger... Then I got pregnant. I don't regret being a mom AT ALL. It is by far the best experience EVER. Things happen and I always had plan B on the side. But I think I relied on plan A (to become a Marine) too much. I always wonder if I would have been a great Marine. If I could have become just as good as a Marine as Greg or as Suzanne (someone who I REALLY look up to and wanted to be like! She is one hell of an awesome Marine).
So before I have my last sip of wine, here's to getting better! *Cheers*
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