Kicking postpartum depression out the door!

So, I have a confession to make. I was/am diagnosed with postpartum depression.  I'm still dealing with it and still working with myself to get out of it.  I've been debating on wether or not I should blog about it.  But maybe it might help other moms out there.

It probably started shortly after I had Wyatt.  Of course, I didn't want to admit to it.  I felt that if I did, I'd just be weak.  I tried to get out of the slump, well... at first I thought it was just a slump.  But I couldn't.  After a few months, I felt lost and alone.  It didn't seem normal...  I didn't feel normal..  But I knew I was depressed, but I didn't want to admit to it.  It felt like no matter what I tried, I just couldn't pull myself together.  I tried walking, taking the dog out...  Didn't work.  As soon as I got home, I just wanted to stay in bed.  I didn't even really tell my close friend Mayra.  And I knew she would understand my situation, but I just didn't want to see anyone, do anything.  I knew that if I at least talked about it, I'd feel a little bit better.  But, I kept it to myself and I hid it well. 

Greg was the only one who saw it, but didn't really mention it because he knew I wouldn't believe him.  He just tried to help by trying to get me up in the AM, trying to get me on a schedule and asking me to see friends and family.  Don't get me wrong, I still took care of Wyatt as best as a mom could.  I fed him, changed him, played with him, read to him, etc.  I just wasn't happy and all I wanted to do was lay in bed and do absolutely NOTHING.  All I wanted to do was sleep and nothing else.  But I knew I had a little one to take care of.  I had days where I wanted to cry, but I didn't know what I was so sad about.  I was really snappy too.  I took it out on Mr. T and Greg.  I barely saw Mayra while on maternity leave.  She would ask to hang out, and I'd make up some believable excuse to not hang out.

Wyatt's first plane ride

Wyatt and I flew to So Cal begining of February so that Wyatt can meet his family.  I thought that I would for sure be able to get out of this depression slump I was in.  I knew family were going to help me in taking care of Wyatt so that I can take care of myself.  But I was still depressed.  Family didn't know about it because, once again, I hid it well.  I was there for almost 2 weeks!  We even went to Arizona for a few days for my Uncle's 85th birthday.  I didn't even see friends of mine (except for my good buddy, Jeremy).  I wanted to see them, but at the same time I didn't.  I made one attempt.  I messaged them, but never made any finalization to hang out.  I kept telling myself to do so, but I just didn't want to.

Just a very small portion of my family.  Taken in Arizona (Birthday boy on the very right)

When we got back from So Cal, I felt worse.  I stayed in bed as late as I could, I mastered the side nursing position, so if Wyatt would cry, I would litterally make myself into a human pacifier for him.  Of course, if he didn't want to be asleep anymore, we'd get up and I would interact with him until his nap time.  And I'd try to get him to sleep as long as I could.  I knew I had to go see my doc.  So, I did.  I told her everything that was going on with me.  I let it all out and I just started crying.  I felt a little better, but not by much.  She had me off of work for another month so that I can go to the postpartum depression meetings and work, work work, on myself.  I told my mom my doc recomended me to be off work for another month because I "lied" about my depression, when honestly, I lied to my mom about being depressed.  So she told me that I should fly to So Cal again with Wyatt.  It took me a week to give her a straight answer.  I kept changing the subject, or making some excuse to "figure things out".  But honestly,  I really didn't want to go AT ALL.  I just wanted to stay home so i can stay in bed.  But Greg was trying to convince me to go.  He knew it would be good for me.  So once again, I was there for a week.  I didn't tell anyone I was in So Cal, except for my buddy Jeremy (he's one of my best buds).  I did have fun and was doing a bit better than the last visit.  Then a week later, I was back at work.

I'm taking anti-depressents to help me.  It helps quite a bit... I think.  Just within that month, I did get a little bit better, hence why I decided to go back to work when my doc asked if I was ready.  The depression now is not as bad as it was.  I don't know if it's the medication or work.  Or combination of both.  But I'm not going to stop taking the meds until my doc says so.  I've met people who dropped their anti depressants because they thought they were better and didn't need it and fell right back where they started, or worse.

A few weeks ago, I started changing up my personal schedule.  I started showering at night instead of the morning.  Wyatt goes to bed at 7pm.  Then Greg and I have dinner together and then I shower, towel dry my hair and put it in foam curls.  Then in the AM, after feeding Wyatt, I have about almost 2 hours to myself to get ready for work.  The evening shower is an every day thing, makes my mornings less hectic.  The curling though, a few times a week.

Me after almost 6 months after Wyatt was born

I don't know what caused my depression.  It could have been a mixture of things.  Lack of sleep, total change of life plans, being a new mom.  My original plan before unplanned pregnancy was to drop weight, get fit and strong and become a Marine.  I worked my butt off.  I got healthier, dropped body fat, got stronger...  Then I got pregnant.  I don't regret being a mom AT ALL.  It is by far the best experience EVER.  Things happen and I always had plan B on the side.  But I think I relied on plan A (to become a Marine) too much.  I always wonder if I would have been a great Marine.  If I could have become just as good as a Marine as Greg or as Suzanne (someone who I REALLY look up to and wanted to be like!  She is one hell of an awesome Marine).

So before I have my last sip of wine, here's to getting better!  *Cheers*

Confession

Well, it's 2030 right now (for those who don't know what I'm talking about, it's 8:30PM, get used to it, I'm using military time). And I'm tired! Very very sleepy!!! I'm so excited that tomorrow is Friday and then a 3 day weekend!!! Woohoo!!!! I can't wait!!! For some reason, it's a much needed rest and my kitchen is a must needed cleaning too!

Earlier this week, I finally went back to the gym. Strange though, exercising started my round ligament pains. Isn't that lovely?!?! I don't feel anything if I'm sitting down or laying down. But as soon as I get up to move about, my left pelvic starts to hurt... Pretty much like a sore muscle. Oh and I did take it easy at the gym. Light weight, maxed out at 28lbs. Heart rate at a decent pace, as in, I can still talk while exercising. Hopefully it goes away soon!

In just a couple more weeks, I get to SEE my baby!!! It's quite exciting! But I have this feeling like I shouldn't be pregnant. Or that it's just so unbelievable that I'm pregnant. Or even that it feels like I'm too young to be pregnant. I mean, come on! I know I'm 28 years old, that's for sure not young at all and not only that married for 4 years? Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet...

But here's my confession... Since finding out I was pregnant, there's been so many times that I've thought in my head "Man, I regret getting pregnant." How on earth can someone say that? How on earth can I say that? But I do! And I feel so guilty every time. I don't think of it often, but it's an on and off feeling. If you're wondering, why do I feel guilty? Well a few reasons. 1) being selfish and 2) a life is growing inside of me. Now, don't get ahead of yourself, since I found out I'm pregnant, I've done anything and everything I can to my own will power to be as healthy and fit as possible for me and the baby. I want the best for the both of us.

I'm not too sure if anyone would understand what I mean about being selfish. But let's go back about a year ago. A year ago, I was working on losing weight and gaining strength, stamina, and mentally preparing myself for the Marine Corps. I was working on trying to become a Marine! I had Greg and all my family supporting me. I know a lot of Marines who were supportive as well. And one who I wanted to be because she is one hell of a Marine. I wanted to be like her. Honestly, other than Greg, she was my Idol. I was honestly striving to be as strong, fit and determined like her. I mean seriously, Cpl in 2 years??? 2 YEARS! From what I've been told, that's hard to do. If she reads this, she knows I'm talking about her. But since I got pregnant, There's been feeling of failure lurking in me. Regret of getting pregnant. And I keep telling myself that things happen for a reason. I know I've come a LONG way since the day that I decided I wanted to go into the Marine Corps. If you knew me back then, you'd know how much of a door mat I was. I was afraid to speak up my mind. I would honestly call myself a weakling back then. I'd cry over the dumbest shit, I'd stress over the stupidest, smallest things. I hated myself, I hated my weight, the way I look, you name it. The day Greg said "you won't be able to make it into the Marine Corps" was the day I decided to change. And I did. So there is some kind of accomplishment. But not completely fulfilling. There's always plan B as I know life does change in a blink of an eye. I just wish that feeling would go away. Maybe it's because we never really planned to get pregnant, we just kind of went with the flow. And I still don't feel like I'm pregnant. I do, unforutnatley, have the symptoms of a pregnant woman. And I've heard my baby's heartbeat each time I'm at the Dr's office. So I hope my feelings does change. Greg said I can live vicariously through our son/daughter. But to me, that just doesn't feel like it's enough.

When people ask if I'm still going into the Marine Corps, I actually start tearing up. I honestly feel like a complete failure for not completing that task. Why am I not joining? By the time I'm 29 (which is the cut off age to get INTO boot camp), the baby will be 6 months old. I can't do that to my child. If I was younger and had more time, I would probably do my damnedest as I know there are Women Marines who've done just that.

The Ultrasound is on July 14th. I hope that it hits me that I'm pregnant and that thought of being a Marine more than a Mom will soon subside. Things happen for a reason. Just wish I knew what the reason is.