First Mother's Day

Wyatt chewing/sucking on a wet nap. Mommy's way of wiping his face since he hates that!

Aww, look at my little guy!  We visited Great Grandma and Great Grandpa on Saturday since Great Grandpa was back home.  Yay!!!  We spent quite a few hours entertaining everyone.  I was telling them how Wyatt has been teasing me with him rolling.  They have already seen him roll from tummy to back numerous times.  The last time they saw him, that's all he was doing.  And that was a month ago!  So, from my previous post, I mentioned how Wyatt has been rolling over from his back to his tummy and daddy was the only one who witnessed it (over and over and over again, and happily gloating about it too!).  Well, everytime I'm with Wyatt, He has been pretty much teasing me!  I've caught him TWICE on his tummy when I was gone for just a few minutes!  I just didn't see how he got there...  Everytime he's on his back, he would roll to his side with his lower half rolled, but his upper half not.  And he would roll onto his back, look at me and smile with this "Hi mommy, I know how to roll over, but I'm goign to teas you anyway."

But, when we were at Great Grandma's and Great Grandpa's, he rolled over TWICE!!!!  And I got to actually watch it taht time!  The first time I saw him, no one else was looking.  They were laughing at how he knew exactly when to roll over...  When no one was looking!.  Then the second time, we all witnessed him roll over!  He enjoyed the praise we gave him.  Such a silly silly little boy!

Oh (and onto my main topic of this post), Sunday, May 13th was my first official Mother's Day!  Really nothing exciting actually.  With me back at work and playing catch up with our finances, we didn't have any means to do anything. 

I do have another confession to make...  I stopped taking my anti-depressants for about a week because I ran out and I didn't have time to go get them.  It (well still is) took a toll on me emotionally... BIG TIME.  The day before mother's day, I was almost in tears and I just couldn't figure out why.  I was so depressed and I knew that it was because I wasn't taking my meds.  So mom's out there, those who are taking anti-depressants, please don't skimp out on your meds no matter how happy you feel.  Don't skimp out on them until you are given the OK from your doc!  I don't like that feeling, and I don't want to go down that road again.

Anywho, with me fighting the depression and having my first mother's day of doing nothing, it was a huge emotinal drain on me.  I wanted to go out and do something, but at the same time, I didn't.  I couldn't make up my mom and just gave in and said we'll just stay at home.  We watched a few redbox rentals and just hung out at home and played with Wyatt.  Then Daddy took off to hang out with a friend of his for a few hours.  Wyatt and I hung out, napped a little, played.  You know, the usual mommy and son thing :-)  It was a lot of fun!  When daddy was home, I don't remember what happened, but I do remember that Wyatt and I took a bath together.  I loved it.  And Wyatt loved it more than him just being in his own bath tub.  I think it was because he was close to mommy and he got to play with water.  I washed him from head to toe and asked daddy to get him and get him into his PJs.  Then I finished my shower and  got myself into my PJ's.

When i walked into the living room, I saw this:

Wyatt in his High Chair with a card and box of chocolate for mommy!

Wyatt, Mr. T and daddy had a mother's day card and box of chocolate for me.  I started tearing up but held it in as best i could when I saw it.  When I started reading the card, I really started crying (not hysterically, just was dropping some tears I couldn't hide).  The rest of the night was nice.  I nursed Wyatt to bed, let my hair dry a little more, put it in curls and went to bed.  Even though we didn't do anything and I was kind of bummed we didn't realy celebrate mother's day, it ended really well and I wouldn't trade it for anythign in the world.  I love my little family.

Oh and that pink stick Wyatt is holding is one of my hair foam roller thingys (i really forgot what they were called) that daddy handed to him as a "drum stick"...  Oh boy.....

Kicking postpartum depression out the door!

So, I have a confession to make. I was/am diagnosed with postpartum depression.  I'm still dealing with it and still working with myself to get out of it.  I've been debating on wether or not I should blog about it.  But maybe it might help other moms out there.

It probably started shortly after I had Wyatt.  Of course, I didn't want to admit to it.  I felt that if I did, I'd just be weak.  I tried to get out of the slump, well... at first I thought it was just a slump.  But I couldn't.  After a few months, I felt lost and alone.  It didn't seem normal...  I didn't feel normal..  But I knew I was depressed, but I didn't want to admit to it.  It felt like no matter what I tried, I just couldn't pull myself together.  I tried walking, taking the dog out...  Didn't work.  As soon as I got home, I just wanted to stay in bed.  I didn't even really tell my close friend Mayra.  And I knew she would understand my situation, but I just didn't want to see anyone, do anything.  I knew that if I at least talked about it, I'd feel a little bit better.  But, I kept it to myself and I hid it well. 

Greg was the only one who saw it, but didn't really mention it because he knew I wouldn't believe him.  He just tried to help by trying to get me up in the AM, trying to get me on a schedule and asking me to see friends and family.  Don't get me wrong, I still took care of Wyatt as best as a mom could.  I fed him, changed him, played with him, read to him, etc.  I just wasn't happy and all I wanted to do was lay in bed and do absolutely NOTHING.  All I wanted to do was sleep and nothing else.  But I knew I had a little one to take care of.  I had days where I wanted to cry, but I didn't know what I was so sad about.  I was really snappy too.  I took it out on Mr. T and Greg.  I barely saw Mayra while on maternity leave.  She would ask to hang out, and I'd make up some believable excuse to not hang out.

Wyatt's first plane ride

Wyatt and I flew to So Cal begining of February so that Wyatt can meet his family.  I thought that I would for sure be able to get out of this depression slump I was in.  I knew family were going to help me in taking care of Wyatt so that I can take care of myself.  But I was still depressed.  Family didn't know about it because, once again, I hid it well.  I was there for almost 2 weeks!  We even went to Arizona for a few days for my Uncle's 85th birthday.  I didn't even see friends of mine (except for my good buddy, Jeremy).  I wanted to see them, but at the same time I didn't.  I made one attempt.  I messaged them, but never made any finalization to hang out.  I kept telling myself to do so, but I just didn't want to.

Just a very small portion of my family.  Taken in Arizona (Birthday boy on the very right)

When we got back from So Cal, I felt worse.  I stayed in bed as late as I could, I mastered the side nursing position, so if Wyatt would cry, I would litterally make myself into a human pacifier for him.  Of course, if he didn't want to be asleep anymore, we'd get up and I would interact with him until his nap time.  And I'd try to get him to sleep as long as I could.  I knew I had to go see my doc.  So, I did.  I told her everything that was going on with me.  I let it all out and I just started crying.  I felt a little better, but not by much.  She had me off of work for another month so that I can go to the postpartum depression meetings and work, work work, on myself.  I told my mom my doc recomended me to be off work for another month because I "lied" about my depression, when honestly, I lied to my mom about being depressed.  So she told me that I should fly to So Cal again with Wyatt.  It took me a week to give her a straight answer.  I kept changing the subject, or making some excuse to "figure things out".  But honestly,  I really didn't want to go AT ALL.  I just wanted to stay home so i can stay in bed.  But Greg was trying to convince me to go.  He knew it would be good for me.  So once again, I was there for a week.  I didn't tell anyone I was in So Cal, except for my buddy Jeremy (he's one of my best buds).  I did have fun and was doing a bit better than the last visit.  Then a week later, I was back at work.

I'm taking anti-depressents to help me.  It helps quite a bit... I think.  Just within that month, I did get a little bit better, hence why I decided to go back to work when my doc asked if I was ready.  The depression now is not as bad as it was.  I don't know if it's the medication or work.  Or combination of both.  But I'm not going to stop taking the meds until my doc says so.  I've met people who dropped their anti depressants because they thought they were better and didn't need it and fell right back where they started, or worse.

A few weeks ago, I started changing up my personal schedule.  I started showering at night instead of the morning.  Wyatt goes to bed at 7pm.  Then Greg and I have dinner together and then I shower, towel dry my hair and put it in foam curls.  Then in the AM, after feeding Wyatt, I have about almost 2 hours to myself to get ready for work.  The evening shower is an every day thing, makes my mornings less hectic.  The curling though, a few times a week.

Me after almost 6 months after Wyatt was born

I don't know what caused my depression.  It could have been a mixture of things.  Lack of sleep, total change of life plans, being a new mom.  My original plan before unplanned pregnancy was to drop weight, get fit and strong and become a Marine.  I worked my butt off.  I got healthier, dropped body fat, got stronger...  Then I got pregnant.  I don't regret being a mom AT ALL.  It is by far the best experience EVER.  Things happen and I always had plan B on the side.  But I think I relied on plan A (to become a Marine) too much.  I always wonder if I would have been a great Marine.  If I could have become just as good as a Marine as Greg or as Suzanne (someone who I REALLY look up to and wanted to be like!  She is one hell of an awesome Marine).

So before I have my last sip of wine, here's to getting better!  *Cheers*