Kicking postpartum depression out the door!

So, I have a confession to make. I was/am diagnosed with postpartum depression.  I'm still dealing with it and still working with myself to get out of it.  I've been debating on wether or not I should blog about it.  But maybe it might help other moms out there.

It probably started shortly after I had Wyatt.  Of course, I didn't want to admit to it.  I felt that if I did, I'd just be weak.  I tried to get out of the slump, well... at first I thought it was just a slump.  But I couldn't.  After a few months, I felt lost and alone.  It didn't seem normal...  I didn't feel normal..  But I knew I was depressed, but I didn't want to admit to it.  It felt like no matter what I tried, I just couldn't pull myself together.  I tried walking, taking the dog out...  Didn't work.  As soon as I got home, I just wanted to stay in bed.  I didn't even really tell my close friend Mayra.  And I knew she would understand my situation, but I just didn't want to see anyone, do anything.  I knew that if I at least talked about it, I'd feel a little bit better.  But, I kept it to myself and I hid it well. 

Greg was the only one who saw it, but didn't really mention it because he knew I wouldn't believe him.  He just tried to help by trying to get me up in the AM, trying to get me on a schedule and asking me to see friends and family.  Don't get me wrong, I still took care of Wyatt as best as a mom could.  I fed him, changed him, played with him, read to him, etc.  I just wasn't happy and all I wanted to do was lay in bed and do absolutely NOTHING.  All I wanted to do was sleep and nothing else.  But I knew I had a little one to take care of.  I had days where I wanted to cry, but I didn't know what I was so sad about.  I was really snappy too.  I took it out on Mr. T and Greg.  I barely saw Mayra while on maternity leave.  She would ask to hang out, and I'd make up some believable excuse to not hang out.

Wyatt's first plane ride

Wyatt and I flew to So Cal begining of February so that Wyatt can meet his family.  I thought that I would for sure be able to get out of this depression slump I was in.  I knew family were going to help me in taking care of Wyatt so that I can take care of myself.  But I was still depressed.  Family didn't know about it because, once again, I hid it well.  I was there for almost 2 weeks!  We even went to Arizona for a few days for my Uncle's 85th birthday.  I didn't even see friends of mine (except for my good buddy, Jeremy).  I wanted to see them, but at the same time I didn't.  I made one attempt.  I messaged them, but never made any finalization to hang out.  I kept telling myself to do so, but I just didn't want to.

Just a very small portion of my family.  Taken in Arizona (Birthday boy on the very right)

When we got back from So Cal, I felt worse.  I stayed in bed as late as I could, I mastered the side nursing position, so if Wyatt would cry, I would litterally make myself into a human pacifier for him.  Of course, if he didn't want to be asleep anymore, we'd get up and I would interact with him until his nap time.  And I'd try to get him to sleep as long as I could.  I knew I had to go see my doc.  So, I did.  I told her everything that was going on with me.  I let it all out and I just started crying.  I felt a little better, but not by much.  She had me off of work for another month so that I can go to the postpartum depression meetings and work, work work, on myself.  I told my mom my doc recomended me to be off work for another month because I "lied" about my depression, when honestly, I lied to my mom about being depressed.  So she told me that I should fly to So Cal again with Wyatt.  It took me a week to give her a straight answer.  I kept changing the subject, or making some excuse to "figure things out".  But honestly,  I really didn't want to go AT ALL.  I just wanted to stay home so i can stay in bed.  But Greg was trying to convince me to go.  He knew it would be good for me.  So once again, I was there for a week.  I didn't tell anyone I was in So Cal, except for my buddy Jeremy (he's one of my best buds).  I did have fun and was doing a bit better than the last visit.  Then a week later, I was back at work.

I'm taking anti-depressents to help me.  It helps quite a bit... I think.  Just within that month, I did get a little bit better, hence why I decided to go back to work when my doc asked if I was ready.  The depression now is not as bad as it was.  I don't know if it's the medication or work.  Or combination of both.  But I'm not going to stop taking the meds until my doc says so.  I've met people who dropped their anti depressants because they thought they were better and didn't need it and fell right back where they started, or worse.

A few weeks ago, I started changing up my personal schedule.  I started showering at night instead of the morning.  Wyatt goes to bed at 7pm.  Then Greg and I have dinner together and then I shower, towel dry my hair and put it in foam curls.  Then in the AM, after feeding Wyatt, I have about almost 2 hours to myself to get ready for work.  The evening shower is an every day thing, makes my mornings less hectic.  The curling though, a few times a week.

Me after almost 6 months after Wyatt was born

I don't know what caused my depression.  It could have been a mixture of things.  Lack of sleep, total change of life plans, being a new mom.  My original plan before unplanned pregnancy was to drop weight, get fit and strong and become a Marine.  I worked my butt off.  I got healthier, dropped body fat, got stronger...  Then I got pregnant.  I don't regret being a mom AT ALL.  It is by far the best experience EVER.  Things happen and I always had plan B on the side.  But I think I relied on plan A (to become a Marine) too much.  I always wonder if I would have been a great Marine.  If I could have become just as good as a Marine as Greg or as Suzanne (someone who I REALLY look up to and wanted to be like!  She is one hell of an awesome Marine).

So before I have my last sip of wine, here's to getting better!  *Cheers*

Silver Boobs!!!!

Well, in 11 days I'll be reaching the silver boob award!  I'm quite excited about that.  It took me a while to figure out what these "boobie awards" were.  I saw them all over the place on baby forums.  So Silver boobie award means that I've been breastfeeding for 6 months.

Wyatt after breastfeeding

I'm hoping to breastfeed as long as I can.  Or to the point where Wyatt is 18 months.  Well, I don't knwo yet, I'm not quite sure how I entirely feel about extending breastfeedinghim.  Maybe 2 years old?  Ha, I'm just kind of in the "whatever happens, happens".  I love breastfeeding him and I'm lucky to be able to as well.  It's by far the best bonding experience ever!  If I had the time, I would probably try to become a lactation consultant.  But I'm not one to tell someone forumla feeding is bad.  Honestly, I think now it's more so a choice if someone would rather breastfeed or formula feed.  I'm not going to judge if someone is formula feeding their baby.  I think that's the problem with some lactation consultants.  And some moms who are breastfeeding their babies.

Actually, Wyatt was formula fed at first because I was told to by the hospital.  If I would have read more into breastfeeding, I probably would have opt out of formula feeding him at the hospital.  I would have worked on getting him to latch since I was able to get him to latch a few times, but I gave up so easily and just gave him formula because I didn't know any better. I would have just breastfed him before I found out he hand jaundice.  Then in that case, I would be ALL over formula to feed him since that was what was helping him get rid of the jaundice fast.  He was out within a few days :-)  So I'm very happy that I was able to formula feed him and luckily I didn't have any trouble with "nipple confusion".  I remember I had a hard time at first with breastfeeding him.  I had so many days where It was just too painful to breastfeed him, but I powered through those pains and tried correcting his latch.  Lanolin was with me 24/7 because it helped out with relieving some pain so much!  A few days after bringing Wyatt home, I scheduled an appointment with the lactation consultant because of the fact that I had a hard time getting him to latch.  She suggested I used a nipple shield.  It worked GREAT!  I then stopped giving him formula, unless we were out and about because I wasn't comfortable with nursing in public yet.  I think i used the nipple shield for about a month and a half.  That nipple shield was awesome, but it was such a pain in the butt to have to put it on every single feeding.  So I started weaning him off the nipple shield.  Within a few days, I put the the nipple shield aside and I have never used it again.  I love breastfeeding, and I know that when I have to give it up, I'll miss it, but I'll probably be happy to have my boobs back!  haha.

I love little... EVERYTHING!

So I just have to announce that I absolutely love everything about Wyatt...  I know, I know... "Well, duh, he is your son!"  haha!  But like my boss says, your love for your kid is so totally different than your love for your husband/wife.  So true!!!  He makes me smile EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I love his little hands, his little feet, his little arms and legs...

well, you get the picture!  I don't know what it is, but I LOVE his little feet.  Even though they have a little stink to them, I still love kissing and smelling them (OMG, i know, i'm weird!).  I wonder if it's because I got it from my mom doing it to my little brother???

When I nurse him, sometimes he swings his arms and hits me, a lot!  So what I like to do is have him hold my finger so he doesn't do it so much.  And I love it!  I love his little hands holding mine.  Sometimes I'll put my hand in front of his face and he likes to reach out and grab it.  His smile just melts my heart.  I try not to do so much when we get home from daycare because I only have a few hours monday through friday with him since in the AM, I have to get ready for work, and he's only awake for so long after eating his morning meal and his bed time is 7pm.

Oh, and I found out, he loves things that squeek!  A friend of ours gave Wyatt a Sophia giraff.  Unfortunately, Mr. T wants to get his paws on it because it squeeks...  Still trying to teach Mr. T that it's not his.  But anyway, Wyatt loves it!  He smiles when it squeeks!

Anyway, this momma is going to relax a little...  Boy do I miss my son during the day...

So proud of my little guy!

So I did a modified version of crying it out with Wyatt a few days ago. And niw, I can put him to bed and he'll go to sleep on his own. What I did was, when he was fussing in bed, I would let him fuss. But I would pick him up when he would cry for a little while. A few times he let out a cry but stopped and went to sleep.  I'm not comfortable with letting him just wail until he sleeps. Not my cup of tea. If it works for other parents, and they're comfortable with it, cool! There's so many different ways to sleep train an infant. I kind of let Wyatt find his bed time and luckily his bed time is at 7 pm. Then I have quite a few hours to do whatever!

I have actually started showering at night and get myself ready for the next day. Today I did my make up! It's been long overdue for this momma. I haven't waxed my eyebrows since Wyatt was born, finally got it done over the weekend. I also have these foam rollers too and I tried it out on Saturday after my shower. On Sunday morning, I took the rollers out and at first it looked like my hair was too curley. Ran my fingers through it a few times and it turned out great. Did that again last night and I had a lot of compliments today! So having those hours after Wyatt goes to bed is a much needed mommy time :-)

Sippy cup!!!!

Lately, Wyatt has been grabbing things and putting them in his mouth. when he is being fed, bottle or by spoon, he reaches out for them and tries to hold it himself. So yesterday I bought him a sippy cup with handles to get him started on learning on his own.

When I first gave it to him with some brest milk in it, he loved it! I held the sippy cup in front of him and when he grabbed the handles, I helped him guide the spout to his mouth. Took a few tries and he figured it out! Then today, we did the same thing and I guided him a few times, but most of the time he did it himself!!! I am so proud of my little guy!

Crazy Friday... Worried mom...

So, today was crazy.  Some crazy person(s) were running around the streets today and ended up just a few miles away from home AND Wyatt's daycare.  Needless to say, yes, I was a worried...  extremely worried mommy!  I called the daycare as soon as I got off work to find out if there were any streets near that area that were blocked off.  Luckily, none of the streets near the place were blocked off.  But on the way home, I had to take a few detours.  After buckling Wyatt in, I always manually lock his door side and I tend to forget to lock my side.  So as soon as I got in, I hit the lock 3 time..  OCD thing I have...  The last hour of work I was thinking how I'd rather be with my lil guy and safe at home where I know I can protect us and Mr. T always barks at people who walks by the apartment if he doesn't recognize the footsteps.  Yeah... he's THAT good!  haha!!!

Wyatt now has a bedtime and I already started a sleeping schedule...  He was doing great going to bed by 7pm on his own.  When daycare started, it got all messed up.  So now that everything has settled down, I started him back up again in getting into a sleeping schedule.  It requires a little bit of him whinning (once he starts crying and won't calm down after a bit, I'll tend to him).  Within a few minutes, he goes to sleep on his own.  I feel more comfortable doing it this way and at his current age than when I was told to do it when he was younger.  To me (and what pediatricians have told me), a baby cries for a reason.  And I'll "spoil" him until he gets to an age where he understands what right and wrong is.

Well, it's time for this momma to go to bed...  Goodnight all!

Total Newbie move!

So, I have a blogger app on my phone.  I know, you're probably wondering.. "if you have a blogger app on your phone, how come you don't post every day??"  Well, with the schedule I have and with a newborn, it's kind of hard to do so when I'm constantly TIRED!

Anyway...  I did a total newbie blogger move!  The first post since returning to work, I had pictures of Wyatt on it.  My app showed that it was still a draft, so I clicked on publish because I could have sworn I was done with it...  Ugh..  Oh well, live and learn, right??!!

I think I was saying how time went by so fast, Wyatt's almost 6 months old, and how big he's getting.  I also mentioned how he got to see the easter bunny too!

Wyatt at 2 weeks old

Wyatt's 2nd visit to So Cal

Wyatt with the Easter Bunny!



Yeah, I'm not going to add more info.  But can you tell how big he's gotten from 2 weeks old to 5 months old!  phew, kid is growing fast!