Confession

Well, it's 2030 right now (for those who don't know what I'm talking about, it's 8:30PM, get used to it, I'm using military time). And I'm tired! Very very sleepy!!! I'm so excited that tomorrow is Friday and then a 3 day weekend!!! Woohoo!!!! I can't wait!!! For some reason, it's a much needed rest and my kitchen is a must needed cleaning too!

Earlier this week, I finally went back to the gym. Strange though, exercising started my round ligament pains. Isn't that lovely?!?! I don't feel anything if I'm sitting down or laying down. But as soon as I get up to move about, my left pelvic starts to hurt... Pretty much like a sore muscle. Oh and I did take it easy at the gym. Light weight, maxed out at 28lbs. Heart rate at a decent pace, as in, I can still talk while exercising. Hopefully it goes away soon!

In just a couple more weeks, I get to SEE my baby!!! It's quite exciting! But I have this feeling like I shouldn't be pregnant. Or that it's just so unbelievable that I'm pregnant. Or even that it feels like I'm too young to be pregnant. I mean, come on! I know I'm 28 years old, that's for sure not young at all and not only that married for 4 years? Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet...

But here's my confession... Since finding out I was pregnant, there's been so many times that I've thought in my head "Man, I regret getting pregnant." How on earth can someone say that? How on earth can I say that? But I do! And I feel so guilty every time. I don't think of it often, but it's an on and off feeling. If you're wondering, why do I feel guilty? Well a few reasons. 1) being selfish and 2) a life is growing inside of me. Now, don't get ahead of yourself, since I found out I'm pregnant, I've done anything and everything I can to my own will power to be as healthy and fit as possible for me and the baby. I want the best for the both of us.

I'm not too sure if anyone would understand what I mean about being selfish. But let's go back about a year ago. A year ago, I was working on losing weight and gaining strength, stamina, and mentally preparing myself for the Marine Corps. I was working on trying to become a Marine! I had Greg and all my family supporting me. I know a lot of Marines who were supportive as well. And one who I wanted to be because she is one hell of a Marine. I wanted to be like her. Honestly, other than Greg, she was my Idol. I was honestly striving to be as strong, fit and determined like her. I mean seriously, Cpl in 2 years??? 2 YEARS! From what I've been told, that's hard to do. If she reads this, she knows I'm talking about her. But since I got pregnant, There's been feeling of failure lurking in me. Regret of getting pregnant. And I keep telling myself that things happen for a reason. I know I've come a LONG way since the day that I decided I wanted to go into the Marine Corps. If you knew me back then, you'd know how much of a door mat I was. I was afraid to speak up my mind. I would honestly call myself a weakling back then. I'd cry over the dumbest shit, I'd stress over the stupidest, smallest things. I hated myself, I hated my weight, the way I look, you name it. The day Greg said "you won't be able to make it into the Marine Corps" was the day I decided to change. And I did. So there is some kind of accomplishment. But not completely fulfilling. There's always plan B as I know life does change in a blink of an eye. I just wish that feeling would go away. Maybe it's because we never really planned to get pregnant, we just kind of went with the flow. And I still don't feel like I'm pregnant. I do, unforutnatley, have the symptoms of a pregnant woman. And I've heard my baby's heartbeat each time I'm at the Dr's office. So I hope my feelings does change. Greg said I can live vicariously through our son/daughter. But to me, that just doesn't feel like it's enough.

When people ask if I'm still going into the Marine Corps, I actually start tearing up. I honestly feel like a complete failure for not completing that task. Why am I not joining? By the time I'm 29 (which is the cut off age to get INTO boot camp), the baby will be 6 months old. I can't do that to my child. If I was younger and had more time, I would probably do my damnedest as I know there are Women Marines who've done just that.

The Ultrasound is on July 14th. I hope that it hits me that I'm pregnant and that thought of being a Marine more than a Mom will soon subside. Things happen for a reason. Just wish I knew what the reason is.